Throwing a Fit Over Mitt — A Taste of Their Own Medicine

Whatever your political preferences nowadays, I am going to mess with your mind a bit. What if the object of the Obama-bashers’ ire was turned around 180 degrees, and they were bashing Mitt Romney instead? I hope you find some things interesting and thought-provoking in this exercise of wicked fantasy.

If the Obama-bashers were, instead, bashing Mitt, I speculate it would go something like this:

“First, 1), I want to see his birth certificate. His family’s ties to Mexico render his natural-born status suspect. And let’s see a full-blown, multi-page certificate, not a measly ‘statement of birth.’ How do we know that he wasn’t born in Mexico, and was smuggled north across the border like a stash of illegal drugs along some sort of ‘Mormon Underground Railroad?’

2) Just how many houses does he own anyway? Rumor has it he probably lets them be used as part of the Underground Railroad in 1).

3) How come he needs an elevator in his garage for all his cars? I’ve heard he wants to standardized all American garages, requiring them to have elevators, so that only the super-rich can own cars with approved garages.

3) means 4) — pick-up trucks, those badges of poverty, according to Romney, will be outlawed, as, if you own one, you can’t meet the garage standard. The only acceptable vehicles are luxury cars and huge-assed SUV’s. Manufacturers of these two types of cars will be entirely tax exempt under the Romney plan, I’ve heard, such a good businessman is he.

5) He will put into our laws how to treat our dogs, I’ve been told. If you own a dog or dogs, it or they cannot ride inside those fancy cars or SUV’s — they have to be strapped to the roofs of the vehicle with bungee cords. It will not be a crime if your dog needs discipline and you choose to strap your pet atop the roof backwards, so the oncoming airstream as you go down the road will go into the dog’s ass instead of its nose.

6) If your school records show you to have been a bully, you will get preferential treatment for a job in government, I have been assured. Written affidavits from your victims, testifying to the degree of your bullying brutality will proportionally affect your salary; the badder you were, the bigger your paycheck. Nothing is more impressive in the upcoming Romney bureaucracy than proof you have from an early age demonstrated to the less fortunate exactly what they deserve to keep them in their place.

7) I just can’t help but worry about his ethnicity; I’m not sure he is white enough. Just as in 1) his Mexico ties make his birth suspect, his bloodline must be suspect. I know he is Mormon and all, but that does not mean he doesn’t have some Mexican blood in him; we don’t need anybody in the White House of mixed race, especially of Mexican mix, as he would want to give the southwestern US back to Mexico to make up for the outcome of The Mexican War.

8) I want to see a record of all the sermons he has listened to in the Mormon Church. The Mormon theology is just too weird not to worry about its influence on Mitt. Better to be safe than sorry, and assume he agrees with every iota of every sermon he ever listened to.

9) I’ve been told by people whose college roommates or car pool passengers have known a Mormon, that Romney’s election will turn this country into a Mormon ‘cash cow.’ And, consequently, if you don’t turn Mormon yourself, you ain’t gonna get your share of that heifer:

1. Every church will be required to replace the cross atop its steeple with a golden statue of the Mormon angel Moroni, or Moron, or whatever its name is, blowing its horn.
2. If elected, Mitt will cut off his hot lines to the major capitals of the world and replace them all with a single hot line to Salt Lake City.
3. Romney will require, if he is President, at all government functions the wearing of G.I.-issued ‘sacred underwear.’
4. After he is sworn in, Mitt will introduce us to his many secret wives, and then legalize polygamy.
5. Every tax deductable contribution to any denomination will be laundered by Romney’s huge staff of accountants, all fanatical graduates of Brigham Young, into a contribution to the Mormon Church to help make their already gaudy temples-that-look-like-castles even more gaudy and big-assed.
6. All warehouses will become Mormon storehouses to meet the needs of the Mormons only, when whatever perpetually imminent apocalyptic catastrophe they believe will occur, occurs.
7. By law, each and every verse in the Old and New Testaments will follow the lead of The Book of Mormon, and have added to its beginning the words, ‘And it came to pass…’
8. Congress, soon after Mitt’s election, will pass a resolution declaring Joseph Smith the greatest linguist in American history.

10) I’ve been assured that Mitt’s business plan calls for all manufacturing in the USA to be outsourced to other countries where labor is cheap, which, in turn, maximizes company profits for administrators and stock holders.

11) With great confidence that it is true, I’ve been told that Romney will soon have Social Security on the road to oblivion, along with its partner Medicare. Those who do not have enough to live their last years in comfort and those whose children do not have enough to assure those comfortable last years will have those last years shortened by sickness, care for which cannot be paid for, so all will receive the consequences for not being fortunate enough to be rich. Parallel to this ‘whatever will be will be’ plan is Mitt’s program to purge all history in Massachusetts of his sponsoring a successful socialized medicine bill for the State; he will have on payroll a staff of historical revisionists, all graduates from Utah schools.

12) It seems by all accounts that Mitt will bring back Prohibition, but this time a ‘super’ Prohibition, taking his que from the Mormon Church: the prohibition not only of alcohol, but of caffeinated drinks of all sorts as well. We’ll have to say good-bye not only to our beer, wine, and whiskey, but to our Dr. Pepper and coffee as well!

13) My sources also tell me that in addition to outsourcing (10) above) Romney plans to demonsrate how good a business President he will be by encouraging everyone to put their money in foreign bank accounts, like he does — preferably those nicely hidden Swiss ones.

14) If Romney is elected, it makes a lot of sense in the minds of all white people, that, again, taking a que from Mormon doctrine before Civil Rights, legislation will be pushed to give preferential treatment to lighter-skinned people, as opposed to dark-skinned people, who God cursed in the past by giving them more-than-white pigmentation.

15) With his blue-jeans and tieless shirt, elected Mitt Romney would disgrace the dignity of the Presidency; he is much too casual; he mingles with poor people too much; he hardly visits veterans’ hospitals, monuments, or cemeteries; he will probably prop his feet up on the White House furniture all the time; all this I have seen with my own eyes!”

How does that make you feel, Obama-bashers? Notice anything? I just did the same thing you do, except changed the words and descripitons to fit your candidate. I hope you agree with me that the stuff above between the two quote marks is ridiculous, describing a Romney that does not exist — the propaganda tactic of the “straw man.” Build up an adversary that does not exist so that you easily “destroy” him, creating the illusion you have dealt with the real person.

This is what Bill Maher has been saying all along about the Obama-bashers. The real Obama is doing his job and there is not much to attack, so they construct a “straw man” Obama and pretend to cut him down. The pity is that no amount of “straw man cutting” is a real criticism of the real man, yet so many of the naive think that it is.

There are real reasons to criticize both candidates. I have already posted a list of reasons to vote for Obama (see Reason to Vote For Obama: His Record). My list of reasons not to vote for him is very, very short, hardly worth posting. My reasons not to vote for the REAL Romney is not so short, so that post is forthcoming.

RJH

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